Decisions

I thought I was overreacting. I thought we’d check in, hear a heartbeat, and be sent on our way. Instead, I’d just undergone an emergency surgery. Our daughter was now in the NICU and I didn’t know the severity of her condition. I’d spent 2 hours in recovery waiting and worrying. I didn’t know when I’d see or hold my baby.

My timeline from this point on is extremely fuzzy. So much of the next 48 hours was laced with extreme stress and anxiety.

Ruby was born at 5:27 PM on October 7, 2017. I was moved from recovery into a private room sometime after 8:00 PM. My legs were inside cuffs designed to prevent blood clots. I was still numb from the waist down. The nurse had handed me a button and informed me to press it if I was feeling pain. Pain medicine would be administered every 20 (?) minutes, but the machines would keep track of how many times I hit the button which would help them gauge my pain level.

“Stay ahead of your pain. You don’t want it to sneak up on you.”

I don’t remember if Andy was with me or if he’d gone to check on Ruby. I don’t remember if Andy went to get my family or if the nurse did. I do remember that when I saw my mama, every. single. emotion that I’d felt since waking up that morning flooded to the surface. At that moment, I hugged my mama and I cried.

Mama hugged me tight and told me that it would be alright. She told me that Ruby was in the best place she could be and I calmed down.

We visited with my family for a while. I don’t know what we talked about, but I needed that time.

After a while, my brothers left.

My parents stuck around and Andy relayed all the information he’d learned about Ruby. I relayed the phone call to the NICU that I’d made in recovery.

I still hadn’t seen a doctor. No one had come to give us any information about our daughter. All the information we had, we’d sought out. I decided that I wanted to speak to a doctor and I needed to speak to them in the presence of my family because up to this point, we weren’t gaining understanding on our own.

I used the phone in my room and called the number written on my board. Someone in the NICU picked up and I asked if a doctor could please come to my room and tell us what was going on with Ruby and I was told someone would be down shortly.

Then we waited.

We talked more about the events of the day while waiting. A nurse was coming in every 30 minutes to check my blood pressure and my pain medicine. My blood pressure remained high.

We decided that once we saw the doctor, Andy and Daddy would go back to the house and get my hospital bag and check on the dogs. Mama would stay with me.

It felt like we waited forever before we saw a doctor. I don’t remember exactly how long it took. It was at least 45 minutes to an hour….it may have been longer. I remember feeling like I needed to be sure we hadn’t been forgotten.

But finally there was a knock on the door and the doctor entered the room.

She told us that prior to and during labor, Ruby was lacking oxygen. The pH level in Ruby’s blood was too high (but I didn’t know what that meant and I couldn’t get anyone to explain it to me in layman’s terms). She told us that her blood wasn’t being oxygenated the way it should have been and they’d given her a blood transfusion, and she had ingested meconium at birth.

I remember feeling overwhelmed by this information and angry that no one thought to inform us. If we hadn’t been asking questions, would they have ever told us?

The doctor also told us that there was a machine in Augusta called an ecmo machine. At this point, because Ruby’s lungs weren’t properly oxygenating her blood, she was a candidate for this procedure.

It was not clearly explained what this machine did or how it worked. Only that they were going to (or already had) call the Children’s Hospital in Augusta to refer Ruby.

I remember asking, “Is my daughter going to die?”

“I can’t answer that question. We’re doing everything we can at this point.”

I had more information now, but I still had no idea what the severity of Ruby’s condition was. Were these things that she could overcome. Were they “just give it time and everything will get better” issues? Or were they “we need a miracle” issues?

That’s the information I needed.

I felt like no one wanted to just be honest with us. Everyone kept downplaying the truth and telling us as little as possible because no one wanted to be “that person”.

I needed “that person.” I needed someone to be straightforward and real with me.

I remember thinking, “She won’t die. She can’t die. God got us here when He did so He could save her. She’ll be fine.”

The doctor left.

We sat and talked about what had just been shared with us. I was trying to make sure I’d understood what I just heard.

Then Daddy and Andy got ready to go back to the house to check on our dogs and get my hospital bag.

Up to this point, I hadn’t told anyone outside immediate family and close friends that Ruby had arrived. I decided after talking to the doctor that we needed prayers and we needed them now.

I opened my Facebook app and began typing:

Ruby has arrived. Our sweet girl was born on October 7 via emergency c-section. She is a whopping 5 lbs 8 ozs.

Andy and I came in this afternoon because I hadn’t felt our girl move all day. When we arrived they hooked us up to the monitors and we immediately heard a heart beat. There was so much relief in hearing that heartbeat. However, her heartbeat kept dipping lower than the doctors would like and my blood pressure kept rising. Once it was determined that I had pregnancy induced hypertension, that Ruby wasn’t moving as much as they’d like on ultrasound, and that my fluids weren’t terrible but they weren’t great either…the doctor decided it was best for baby to have an emergency c-section.

After that everything went so fast. They got us prepped and ready for the surgery in an hour or less.

When Ruby was born she did not cry and she struggled to breath. They immediately took her out of the room and had to give her a breathing tube. They then decided she needed to spend time in the NICU where she has since received a blood transfusion and they are monitoring her for other health concerns.

I have not seen my baby and will not be able to see her until, at the earliest, tomorrow morning due to a medication I’m on because of my hypertension. I am asking for prayers for our little girl. I don’t know a lot. All I know is that I’ve been told by many that if I hadn’t trusted my instincts that the results could have been much much worse.

The Lord has our Ruby wrapped in His arms. He got us here in order to save her life and He will continue to wrap His loving arms around her. Please send prayers of healing to our Ruby.

I’m asking that those that would like to visit, hold off for a bit or message me before hand to see if it’s a good time. Andys been able to see our girl and keep me updated about what’s going on, but I really just want to see her for myself before I can wrap my head around visitors.

Thank you all so much for your love and support up to this point. I know that our Ruby is so loved and knowing that so many will be praying makes me feel that much better.

Updates to come.

Now everyone knew.

While Daddy and Andy were gone, the nurse came in to check my blood pressure and my pain medicine. She asked me if I planned on breast feeding to which I answered “yes” and she told me she’d get me a pump.

Given that I still didn’t understand the gravity of our situation, it didn’t occur to me that I might not want to stimulate my body to produce milk. In the moment, I was just glad that there was something productive I could do for my baby.

It took about an hour, but she brought me a pump and I was instructed to pump for 20 minutes on each side every 3 hours in order to make my milk come in.

Again, I was happy to have a distraction and happy to be doing something for Ruby.

Andy and Daddy made it back with my hospital bag at some point. It was late. It had been a long day. We all sat and talked a little longer and than Andy took Daddy back to the NICU to see Ruby.

After they got back, we decided that Andy and Daddy would go back home to sleep and take care of the dogs, and they’d come back first thing in the morning and Mama would stay with me. It must have been after midnight when they left for the night.

I don’t remember what me and Mama did to pass the time. I don’t remember how many times the nurse came in. I don’t remember who came in to tell us that Augusta’s Children Hospital would be coming to evaluate Ruby. That may have even happened before Andy left.

I remember we didn’t sleep. We stayed up and we talked or we watched tv. We talked to the nurse. We worried. But we did not sleep.

We knew the team from Augusta would be arriving that morning and so I watched the clock.

3:00 AM

We talked.

4:00 AM

We watched tv.

5:00 AM

I read the messages coming in on Facebook.

6:00 AM

I pumped.

Waiting.

I believe the team finally arrived between 7:00 and 8:00 AM.

Then it was a matter of waiting to hear what they had to say.

It was still early when two individuals from Augusta, a man and woman, came into my room.

I was told that, to be a candidate for the ecmo machine, Ruby had to meet certain criteria which she did. We now had to decide if we wanted to transport Ruby to Augusta. She added that there was a high probability that Ruby would not survive the procedure.

At that point, I felt panicked and helpless. From what I had just heard, if Ruby stayed where she was, she would most likely die. They had done all they could do for her, but if she went to Augusta, she would also most likely die, but the machine was an option we didn’t have where we were. I was told that I could spend what time we had left with her here or we could transport her.

Andy wasn’t back.

“When do you need this decision?”

“As soon as possible. Right now.”

“I need to call my husband.”

I called Andy, but he didn’t answer.

I called again. No answer.

Mama called my Daddy who answered and then preceded to go get Andy.

Andy called me on my phone and I broke down again. He couldn’t understand anything I was saying because I was hysterical. I pulled it together to repeat what I had heard the way I’d understood it.

My nurse was in the room throughout all of this. She suggested going to get the nurse from Augusta so Andy would ask her questions and then ran to find the woman and bring her back.

Between my nurse and Andy, they were able to clarify with the nurse from Augusta that they would not use the ecmo machine unless it was absolutely necessary and Andy and I would have the final say. They would continue the treatment Ruby was currently getting first.

Andy and I decided then, that we wanted our daughter to have every opportunity to live. We made the decision to send her to Augusta.

The nurses from Augusta left to begin preparing Ruby for transport. My nurse assured me that she’d make sure I saw my daughter before they took her anywhere. Andy hung up to get dressed to come back to the hospital. And I sat with my mama, realizing, at that moment, that there was a very real possibility that our daughter may not come home.