Transport

As soon as the decision was made to transport Ruby to Augusta, everyone and everything moved into fast forward.

Up until this point, I’d been confined to my bed because of special medicines and what felt like every wire known to man. After the nurses from Augusta left my room, my nurse began freeing me from my wire prison.

I was now able to put on pants which was a VERY painful process, but because of my iv and the fact that we were in a hurry, I remained in my lovely and fashionable hospital gown.

My nurse and my Mama helped me into a wheelchair and I was wheeled out of the room. I was on my way to finally meet my daughter.

It was a short distance from my room to the NICU. We had to leave the maternity ward and pass through the waiting area. I didn’t want to look at anyone. I felt like if I made eye contact they would know. They would know my daughter was sick. They would know we were currently in the middle of the most anxiety ridden and scariest time of our lives. They would know I hadn’t seen her since she’d been born 14 hours prior. They would know that we didn’t know if she was going to be okay.

It didn’t make sense, but nothing in that moment made sense.

The NICU was dark and crowded. It felt as though every free space was taken. I remember thinking ‘How can there be this many sick babies?’ ‘How long have they been here?’ ‘Where is Ruby in this sea of incubators and cribs?’

She was in the very back.

Ruby was in the very back of the NICU. It felt like it took forever to get all the way back to see her.

When I saw Ruby for the first time I remember thinking, “She’s perfect. She’s beautiful.”

I was so in love with this little person. I was so excited that she had my hair and my small nose and ears. I wanted to see her eyes so badly because I’d hoped she had Andy’s beautiful blue eyes. Ruby was perfect…except….

… I then noticed all the tubes and wires and machines. Being in the wheelchair, I couldn’t get very close. I could only lean forward and touch her tiny hand.

The nurse asked if I wanted pictures.

Yes. More than anything.

It’s a strange feeling not knowing what I could and couldn’t do in regards to my own child. I wanted to hold her, but I thought that there was no way. There were too many wires. I felt like I shouldn’t touch her because I didn’t want to hurt her. I felt like every eye was on me.

My nurse, who had already been a blessing sent from God, asked for me.

“Can she hold her?”

I can’t tell you how much joy and relief there was in that moment. I was going to be able to hold my baby.

The nurses rearranged all the wires and tubes and placed Ruby in my arms.

I was holding my daughter. There she was. She was in my arms. She was so small.

So many thoughts went through my mind…

She’s beautiful.

Look at all of her hair.

Please be okay.

Keep fighting sweet girl.

Will she survive the trip to Augusta.

Is this the only time I’ll see Ruby alive?

So many thoughts. So much worry. But in that moment, I remember feeling a perfect sense of peace. I felt calm. I KNEW, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Ruby would be fine. I also KNEW that didn’t mean she would definitely be coming home. I just knew that either way, Ruby would be fine.

I don’t know how long I held her. I know that there was always the nagging thought in the back of my mind that I had to let her go at some point. She had to get to Augusta.

They showed me how they’d be transporting Ruby to Augusta. It looked like something out of a SCI-FI movie. The best I can describe it is a small crib that looked like it was for a baby doll, that was covered in clear plastic and sitting on a cart with wheels that had all kinds of machines sitting on it.

I remember praying, “Please get her to Augusta. Please, PLEASE get her to Augusta. Don’t let her die. Please don’t let her die. Please let me see her again.”

We left the NICU and went back to the room. Andy and Daddy arrived shortly after Ruby had gone. We decided that Andy and Daddy would go to Augusta to be with Ruby and Mama would, again, stay with me until I was discharged and able to get to Augusta as well.

They visited for a little while before they left. We began making calls to the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta hoping that we’d be able to get a room because we didn’t know how long Ruby would be there. Thankfully, they had a room available so there was one less thing we had to worry about.

At some point I was able to get fully dressed which was very nice. My Aunt Gina and Uncle Matt came and visited with us for a little while. I was up and down every now and then because I was so tired of being stuck in bed. I was hurting from my c-section, but I was also going stir crazy.

We eventually got word that Ruby had made is safely to Augusta and that Andy arrived shortly after.

I was so relieved that Andy was able to be with her.

After my aunt and uncle left, Andy called. The doctor in Augusta had seen Ruby, and I needed to get there now because it didn’t look good. The doctors in Augusta found that Ruby had bleeding on her brain which meant she was no longer a candidate for the ecmo machine. At this point, they were doing what they could, but ultimately, they were making sure she was comfortable.

Again, my nurse came to the rescue. She was in the room when Andy called. She heard what Andy said and she immediately left to find the doctor.

I hung up the phone and another nurse came to check my blood pressure. They always seemed to come in after devastating news. When she informed me that my blood pressure was still high I was almost rude. Who knows, maybe I was rude. I just remember that I wasn’t impressed and I was very aggravated. If they tried to keep me in this hospital because of this blood pressure reading, I was going to flip out.

Mama and Daddy called a friend that is a police officer in my home town. He agreed to drive us to Augusta and he was given permission to get us there fast. He got to the hospital from his house in 20 minutes. The drive would regularly take 40. The man was flying and I appreciated it.

Shortly after, Dr. Evans entered the room. He’d delivered Ruby the previous day. He told me that they were going to get me discharged and that he was praying for us. He also gave me his cell phone number so that I could ask any questions I needed and so that I could keep him updated on Ruby’s condition. That meant a lot and it hasn’t been forgotten.

My nurse gave me medicine for pain and she gave me my prescription.

15 minutes after I hung up the phone with Andy, I was being wheeled out of the hospital. I’d had an emergency c-section less than 24 hours before. It had to be some sort of record.

I was helped into the back of the car and we were on our way.

“Please God, let me get there in time.”