Arrangements

Andy and I were home…without our baby. The emptiness, the heaviness, the numb feeling…it was all so overwhelming and so surreal. Her nursery was set up. Everything was ready for her and yet, she was gone.

How could this be real?

We sat on the couch for a little while and eventually my mama asked if I wanted to take a bath. I’d been discharged from the hospital so quickly after my c-section that I didn’t realize that was a no-no, but it sounded like as good an idea as any.

She went to run the water and stood at the door while I slowly worked my way into the water. I’d been running on adrenaline up until this point so my c-section and everything that comes with it was starting to catch up with me.

I remember sitting in the bathtub and needing noise. I couldn’t sit in silence. There was too much going through my mind. I unlocked my phone, opened pandora, and chose “Christian Contemporary” radio.

The very first song that played, that I remember really listening to after we came home without our little girl was Lauren Daigle’s “Trust in You”. The lyrics to the chorus of this song are:

“When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You”

I remember sitting in the bathtub sobbing and singing that I trusted whatever God had planned. I didn’t understand, I DON’T understand, but I trusted and I continue to trust.

That song broke me down even more than I’d already been broken at that moment, but it also gave me so much strength.

Later that evening, my Daddy came to the house to see us and to take my mama home. I remember Mama letting us know that Ruby was at William’s Funeral Home and that we could go whenever we wanted to make Ruby’s arrangements.

Andy made the decision that we would wait a day before going to Milledgeville to plan. We needed time to just be together and wrap our heads around everything that had happened. It would also give me a day of recovery before taking yet another long drive right after a major surgery.

i honestly don’t remember much of the saga that followed. It’s all a blur. I believe I slept the the rest of day as well as most of the next day. Between the pain medicines and the emotional trauma…it was probably the best thing for me. I remember I was hurting though, physically…a different kind of hurt than I’d been feeling at my incision site previously so I called the doctor’s office and made an appointment to come in on our way to Milledgeville the next day.

We left the next day and headed for my doctor’s office where they prescribed me another medicine after determining that I had an infection. I was offered anxiety medicine as well, but I declined.

At the time, I WANTED to feel everything that I was feeling. I didn’t want to take any medicine that May cloud that time in my life. I NEEDED to remember everything the best that I could because it made me feel closer to my little girl and that’s all anyone wants right? To feel close to their baby?

Andy, his mom, and I arrived in Milledgeville shortly after leaving the appointment. I had no idea what to expect inside. No one thinks about planning a funeral when they get pregnant. No thinks they’ll ever have to bury their baby.

We walked in and we’re led into a conference room and we all sat around a table. My parents, Mama Jay, our preacher, my aunt who worked at this particular funeral home, and the funeral home owner.

I’ll be completely honest. I don’t remember much other than being confused and overwhelmed. I do remember being handed a catalog with caskets. Andy and I went through this catalog, together, in front of everyone in the room, and we chose a small pink casket for our sweet girl. And Andy chose embroidery for the inside of the lid, a heart and the word “sweetheart”.

I remember that I’d brought a bag of belongings. Outfit and headband options for them to dress Ruby in. A blanket that I wanted with her. My cross from when I was a baby. Toys and photos to have around her.

I remember being asked about music and if Andy and I wanted to speak. I didn’t know the answer to any of these questions, but we did have an outline and the details would come once we had time to really think about them.

We were told that we could see Ruby the next day and so we planned to return. I hadn’t seen our baby girl since she’d passed a few days before so I was ready to see her again. But not ready at the same time.

None of it felt real. All of it felt like a bad dream. Surely we would wake up. Surely.

But no, it wasn’t a bad a dream. We were going to bury our baby on Friday, October 13, 2017 and we had just made the arrangements.