Goodbye

“Please God, let me get there in time.”

Thats all I thought the entire way. I was texting Andy to stay updated. I was texting friends to keep them in the loop. I was hurting. I felt sick. But none of that mattered. Please God, let me get there in time. Thats all that mattered.

My mother-in-law, Mama Jay, had found a flight from Michigan earlier in the day. She was able to fly into South Caroline (I think) and she had rented a car and was also on her way to Augusta.

We arrived in record time. We were dropped at the door where my Daddy met us. I walked inside, but thankfully they found a wheelchair for me shortly after It was small seeing as how we were in a children’s hospital, but I was just thankful for a wheelchair of any size.

I remember bright colors and childlike decor. I remember being wheeled to a pair of doors. Inside the doors there was a short hallway that led to another perpendicular hallway. Just inside the doors, to the left, there was a waiting room. A nurse met us to take me back to where Ruby and Andy were. Only 2 people were allowed back at one time. She pushed me down the short hall and turned right at the end. Immediately to the left, there was a separate, smaller room with shelves of various items that would then lead into the NICU.

She wheeled me up to the sink and handed me a gown. While scrubbing my hands and trying to get my gown on over my clothes, I realized the wheelchair was slowing me down and it was getting in the way and I didn’t have time for either. I left it behind at the door much to the nurses surprise and she then led me on foot into the NICU.

This room was much larger and not as crowded as Macon had been. I walked down a makeshift hallway created by cubicle type desks for the nurses and around a corner. Ruby was, again, in the back corner and Andy was standing by her bed holding her little hand.

Slowly but surely I made my way to where they were and felt a wave of relief because I had made it. Ruby was still with us and I had made it. I stood for a minute longer before sitting down in a chair nearby. Another nurse approached us and asked how my blood pressure was to which I replied, “Probably not great.”

She gave me an understanding look and then asked if I’d filled my prescriptions for my pain medicine.

“No, we came straight here, but I took some pain medicine before leaving Macon.”

She then told me I NEEDED to get those prescriptions filled and where we could go or send someone nearby to fill them. She then left us alone.

Andy told me that there weren’t really any updates since I’d spoken to him last and that he’d pretty much been alone with her for a while because my aunt and uncle had come after visiting us in Macon and Daddy was in the waiting room with them.

The nurse came back over and told us that they were about to do their shift change and that they usually ask that no one be in the NICU at that time while they let the incoming staff know what’s what with each of the babies. They were going to make an exception for us, but we decided to go into the waiting room, wait for Andy’s mom who would be arriving soon, talk with my family, and figure out how to get my prescriptions filled in the meantime.

We left Ruby in the NICU with the nurses and Andy helped me slowly back out to the waiting room.

I don’t remember who was in the waiting room when we got out there. I know that eventually it was filled with family. My parents, Andy’s mom, my brothers and their significant others, my aunt and uncle, and the officer who drove us from Macon and his wife. My Daddy was nice enough to go fill my prescriptions while the rest of us sat and visited.

We were told the shift change usually takes 30-45 minutes. We sat and talked and waited during that time.

Eventually, our family preacher (more family than anything) arrived. Mr. Bill and Mrs. Laurie had been at the beach celebrating their anniversary and they left to come be with us.

My aunt and uncle had to leave since it was getting late.

We asked and were allowed to bring our family back one at a time to meet Ruby. I’m so thankful they were able to see her and spend time with her while she was here.

We were getting updates along the way and Ruby’s numbers weren’t improving, but they also weren’t getting worse. We still had so much hope. We thought we had more time.

The doctor approached Andy about bringing in the hospital chaplain to pray with us, however, since Mr. Bill was at the hospital we asked if we could bring him back instead. Mr. Bill prayed with us and we dedicated Ruby to the Lord.

As it got later, my family headed out. The officer who had driven us took my Daddy back home (He’d ridden with Andy to Augusta). Daddy planned on driving himself back the next day. My older brother and his wife and my younger brother and his girlfriend headed back home. Mr. Bill and Mrs. Laurie headed back to the beach.

Andy’s mom and my mama stayed with us. Andy and I went back to be with Ruby where he convinced me to go with his mom to the Ronald McDonald house to get some sleep. His argument: I’d had a major surgery. I hadn’t slept. He promised that no major decisions would be made without me and that he’d call if there were any changes. I argued briefly, but eventually conceded.

My mama stayed behind in the waiting room while Mama Jay and I made our way to the Ronald McDonald house. We briefly got lost and we parked in the wrong parking lot resulting in Mama Jay having to go move the car once we were checked in, but we made it. Before falling asleep I made sure my phone’s volume was up and I prayed that nothing would happen to Ruby while I was away.

A little after 4:00 AM, my phone rang.

Panic.

“Everything is fine, but you need to come back. Her numbers have gotten worse.”

Mama Jay and I were out the door in less than 5 minutes.

When I made it back into the NICU, Ruby’s coloring had completely changed. She looked gray. She looked swollen.

We spent some time just standing beside her.

The nurse then asked, do you want to hold her.

“Yes.”

I was sitting in the chair by her bed. The nurses began unhooking her from the various machines she was attached to. They unhooked all but her breathing tube and they placed her in my arms. We spent time with her like that for a little while and the nurses took pictures of us as a family.

Eventually, we decided that it was time. I continued to hold our little girl as the nurse unhooked the breathing tube. It was so silent in that room. Ruby never made a sound. She just went home.

The doctor came over with her stethoscope and at 5:09 AM, on October 9, 2017 – two short days after she came into the world – she was gone.

Ruby was gone and our world was forever changed.